Michael, My Son

Thank You

2011-10-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

One beautiful evening, I find myself alone or so I think. Just walked outside to see what could be seen.

I stand before a stretching beach; its soft sand sometimes cold against my feet seems warm in the setting sun’s light. The mountains off to the side once seemed insurmountable impossible to traverse now support cascading walls of beauty framing the wonder before my eyes. The waves, once so tall and threatening in the storm now stroll regularly over the cooling sand, the heartbeat of the ocean. The sky, once so cold so dark and so unforgiving rests peaceful in the sun’s fading light. The breeze once a gale force wind that pound the doors and windows demanding audience now gently tickles wind chimes singing me their song.

Was all that made my life seem so difficult really now the objects of beauty I cherish? For what memory would I have, who would I be if every day were as today? For today I am truly thankful, but if not for yesterday’s pain , struggle, turmoil and angst for what would I now know to give thanks?

One beautiful evening, I find myself among friends. Ones I feared to know I now call friends for they are those who challenged me and who shaped me into who I am.

I just walked outside to see what could be seen and find I have only one thing to say.

When all I have to say isn't enough

2011-05-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy in my own world I haven't realized how my attitudes and actions over the past couple years have affected those I say I care about. After finding out I’ve stabbed a friend in the back, and seeing I’m the one who needed grace extended to me, I've written the lament below. He's forgiven me but said pain still remains.

Comfort me oh God, I cry to you
The one who made me, have mercy on my soul!
I’ve lied to you, belittled you, made light of all your promises
In all of you I’ve cast aside my very life, my heart

Have mercy on me Father, I need your grace
The only one who's ever loved me like you do
I’ve run away, I’ve disowned you by my actions
When I left you I left all I had worth living for

Heal me Great Physician, I’m bleeding out
Your the only one who's seen eternal value in my life
I’ve brought shame to you, I’ve disgraced you
When I chose to bury you I dug my own grave

When I think of hope, I’m reminded of your Name
Your the only one who can restore me
King of the Universe, Author of Life
Friend, Father, Healer
Reach down inside, cause this heart to beat
Bring life from death and make me new

All I am is yours
All I can be is grateful for you
I owe you all I am, all I have and all I’ll be
Take me back in your mercy
All I want is to be yours
Will you please forgive and take me back again?

Amen

Just Thanking God in Advance

2010-10-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

I've felt inspired to think about God's promises for me, my life and what I believe to be true about my wife. I wanted to thank God in advance through eyes of faith for my wife and the life He's blessed me with. As of writing this, I don't know who she is yet but this doesn't change what I believe because I know God is faithful and good in every way. I apologize for any grammatical errors that weigh on you as you read this- I literally copied this from my daily journal. --

Lord I thank you for my wife. I thank you for the peace I have around her, knowing she's given her life to love me- in your sight. I don't have to fear her loving another man. And because of what you've said, she does sing to you, and she loves the thought of your Name. She praises you with words that flow from her heart. She challenges me to see the world and the lost as you do. I see hope now in the lost- this ember of fire rather than the pit of hell. I see compassion as my preference and forgiveness as my right arm. With her and because of her heart I have been more involved in serving you, not by signing up at church, but by opening our home and hearts to new and backslidden believers and non believers who are struggling through life.

God I see hospitality and generosity. I see a home and a heart that are one. I see peace between our families and a relief no one was expecting. I see maturity- spiritually, emotionally- in truth and in love. I see deep deep moments of bonding with my wife- in a deeper way than I ever imagined possible. We are sewn together, written together in your book before all this should happen. And we will never grow cold in our love, you fan the flame of our hearts, beating together as one with yours. You have provided, in ways I never thought of, and you were faithful to provide in abundance- we never lacked the ability to share with those in need- ever. I am amazed. You always spoke truth and encouragement into our eyes. You've given extra grace to our families when we've asked- when we've poured out our hearts to you- you were there & you heard our cries and did not delay- but in your perfect provision and timing rescued all we prayed for and more.

You watched over us as we traveled. When we were too busy or too tired to pray, you were faithful. You took us around the world to places we never thought we'd go. We met your family there. We felt the love of people touched by you there. We felt your warmth, the light of our true home. You always kept us safe. You showered your favor on us to all peoples we interacted with- even those who were skeptical of us at first. You gave us more grace and allowed us to love to love them and shine your light even in these circumstances. You've shown your light through us (to your people) around the world.

Its my joy to say you were right. You have been faithful in all you said you'd do. My wife has been pure joy, totally worth the wait. She has challenged me to live the life you've called me to. I always wondered how it would work- how I could be so madly in love with someone- that I wouldn't just make them the idol in my life. But you've kept me straight and her love for you and for the world really helped me focus in spite of myself- and you grew in me the desire of her heart to love others- and she never runs out of love for me. That's what I've found so incredible- she keeps giving- keeps loving- and always loves me- deeply. I have so much peace, I am so grateful. I never imagined life could be like this. I'm not worried about my job- you so sustain us. You're so faithful- money's not even a worry- our business is loving people- money's just something you shower on us because you're faithful and the most generous God, the only God & Father.

You were faithful in giving me time to meet and grow with my wife. You were right, I did know her, I did love her. You did bring me to a place of peace where I would develop skills- that I use every day. I never could have imagined this. I'm so sorry for doubting- you had this planned all along. I see as I look back through eyes of faith just how great you are- how much I could trust you- with my entire life, all I am. You always showed love for me- for us- overflowing to the world. God You are so amazing, so powerful, so sensitive, so respectful, so gracious and compassionate, so rich in love, so much bigger than I ever dreamed- and I know I've still only seen a glimpse of all you are. So I thank you from the heart you created, fed, cared for and never stopped listening to- with all my heart I thank you Father God.

Everyday Style

2010-07-08T20:41:00.001-07:00

How you live your life- a simple but routine way of viewing common things- duty, responsibility, what defines a chore- more than just your character, integrity. The how and why of everyday life adds up, plays a big role of "You", who you are. As you grow and learn your style may change. You may have good habits and bad habits that seem to "fit" in this style or pattern.
I want your life pattern to reflect the joy of God. I want this style to be of praise and freedom. I want you to choose to surrender the mundane, ordinary to my divine glory & purpose. Totally sold out- doesn't mean actually selling everything and moving to a land strange to you for the sake of just that 'looking' like your literally sold out. It means taking the ordinary of everyday life, handing it over to God to bless and make a blessing- now extra-ordinary. It means humble acknowledgment that everything in your life is surrendered to God's purposes. They belong to Him & so do the outcomes of all events in your life.
Give praise where praise is due. Give prayers where prayer is needed. Trust your loving Creator and Good Shepherd as He fulfills His purpose in your life- in its entirety.
Just as it may not be safe to keep a loaded gun on display- you load when your ready to go shoot. You are prepared in advance for an outcome, a purpose, shooting at the range. Surrendering the ordinary and everyday says your always ready for the range and everyday becomes a day at the range. Its hard to celebrate Christmas when the presents aren't purchased or wrapped. Be ready, day in and day out, and bless. Life is short- be a blessing.
To bless is to touch the heart of God. To seek to bless is to understand the motives of God. When you hunt down people loved by God to bless them- everyone is blessed. Have a gift mindset ready- to treat a stranger as a friend and friends as close family and honor family as such. Be ready to bless and give your gifts in the sight of God who is the primary giver of all things good. Salt and light- flavor, preservation and environment. Bless, bless, bless. Amen.

Just another Sunday night with my Dad 2/7/2010

2010-02-07T21:51:00.001-08:00

So you see my son, your life affects others. You're a member of a body, not a stand alone piece. Part of an orchestra, not a soloist. I've promised to equip you in the ways you need, to bring me honor and glory. It's what you do with what I've given you that shows me how much you love me: your smile, your heart, your thoughts and actions that speak to who your god is. So when you think, "What shall I do tonight?" think, "Who do I want to show I love them?" See yourself as an orbiting planet and not the Sun. Life will make so much more sense this way. Don't be confused, I will never love you any less, but I want you to see my love. I want you to feel my love for the rest of my creation, and I want you to provide- be my hands and feet- to show them- with divine synergy, to confirm that I love them- Not that you're better, but my grace has clued you in to the clueless- the light in a dark place- knowledge of life. So treat others as family you are just meeting for the first time; brothers and sisters you never knew you had- and love from your heart. Show me you love me- love those I love. You've heard "hate the sin, not the sinner"- I say, "love them as brothers and forgive as I do", that before you were born, I died for you. While you were still a sinner, I chose to bare your shame- to forgive you- and so- Michael, my son, I bless you with this nugget of wisdom- walk in its light.

The End of Chapter One

2009-09-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

Eternal King, I am but a breath; a shadow of a man; a shadow of what all you intended to be good and true- darkened- empty- hollow- fading into darkness as I sink into more of what I’ve become. Through my disobedience that grew out of my lack of trust in your character- in all you say you are by who you show yourself to be by your actions. I sit barely alive, lying at death’s gate shamed and ashamed. I’ve mocked you. I’ve trampled your Son. I’ve abused your love. You reside on the perfect side of the mirror, alive. I am less than a broken reflection, crushed by the weight of my own sin- separated from the one who loves me- by my own strength and poor decisions. In the hall, among all who I adore, I lie naked and shamefully exposed. The darkening light of life that once burned so brightly pales un-fanned, flickering away- ebbing to some sorrow an eternity away, never to return. Lord why did it take so long to be seen as I am now? Why did You keep me so clothed and warm? What is there inside me that wars against your love, that flees your sight? What is it within me so weak and yet so powerful to pull me down to the grave?

I stand at death’s gate and with the last remaining air in my lungs I speak your Name and fall to the ground, lifeless- my last attempt in this life to once again call on the One who is called Faithful, surrendering the frail dust of my corps, once life filled, into your essence- understanding that merely a glimmer of your mercy is enough to ignite a burning ember of hope. And so I lay hollow- empty- broken- my soul surrendered my eyes… dark- a man whose plans came to nothing; the last chapter of an unfinished book; the author, grieved by death’s true face, turns away to finish the masterpiece this previous story was meant to be. Life is more than just living and breathing: the choices we make, the actions we take, speak to which side of the grave we are living on. Choose, and choose wisely. Don’t be like me, don’t seal up heaven’s joys with doubt and fear to cling on to hell’s deceit. Shine noble, true, take this path less traveled by, you’ll see it makes more than a world of difference.

“As the Author of your life I’d like to add one last word. I don’t like unhappy endings. I don’t like to see my children hang on to the edge of death and finally drop off. I don’t like to see my son exchange hope for darkness- fear instead of trust in the one who breathed him life. So I add this final sentence to this book- ‘chapter one has ended; the main character of the story surrendered the pen of his life to the Author and He will write/right the wrongs and turn what was lifeless into life and blessing.’ Stay tuned… Turn the page… “

Are you letting your view of the world change?

2009-01-18T00:20:00.001-08:00

At some point in our lives we pause.
The world around us stops paying attention.
There’s no one there to distract us.
We’re by ourselves alone in a crowd, staring ourselves down; so much like our company, thinking we’re so different.
We’re all broken and hurt in some way.
We’re all different shades of tile in the same mosaic, creating and keeping a wall between us of grout.
Where this wall is thinnest is where we share who we are and are accepted, these, not coincidentally, are the clearest portions of this mosaic artwork.
Where these areas are thickest, the hue turns a lifeless shade of gray.
It’s in moments of reflection we can step back and see how the pieces fit together and how we can see there really isn’t room for each of us to be an island- building our walls higher and thicker and washing our part of the picture out with lifeless gray.
Why not be open? Why not be vulnerable? Why not share our lives with each other?
Because not everyone takes that step back and when the walls come down, they can’t get beyond the shock of their view of this world changing.
But it changes anyway, cracks and shatters, leaving less than the beauty that was originally intended.

What can I learn from Peter’s denial of Christ?

2008-12-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

In the story of Jesus’ betrayal Peter didn’t believe in his heart what Jesus said about His death. We know in hindsight Peter eventually believed, but his “little faith” showed itself. Peter was willing to live up to his promise not to leave Jesus because he still believed Jesus wasn’t going to die. Jesus confirmed to Peter that He was the Christ. This was in response to Peter’s answer to Christ’s question, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” Peter accepted this truth. Though only a moment later Jesus rebuked Peter when he tries to convince Jesus that He wouldn’t suffer, die and rise to life. Peter believed half the equation, this is why Peter cut off Malchus’ ear in the garden when Jesus was arrested. He was trying in his own strength to live up to his promise and prove to Jesus he wouldn’t abandon Him. This too is why he followed Jesus to the hearing before the high priest, because he wasn’t going to fail Jesus. But he still fundamentally believed Jesus wouldn’t die and was watching Jesus waiting for Him to use His power to perform miracles to save Him.

Can you imagine the fear Peter had when his faith that Jesus would protect Himself disappeared when Peter saw the guards strike and spit on Jesus and He did nothing? Peter freaked because he still didn’t believe Jesus would die and definitely did not realize He would rise again. Peter was witnessing Jesus’ prophesy but didn’t have the right mindset to appreciate the circumstances, so in his flesh he panicked, denied Jesus and fled. This was the sin, not believing Jesus. So he didn’t fully grasp what Jesus was going to do. So what? How often before hindsight do we know how Jesus works out His life in and before us? So the damage done was Peter acting out of his own understanding, promises and plans in his own strength instead of not panicking and obeying or trusting what Jesus said. Interesting though, it’s hard for Peter to trust what Jesus said because he wouldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to believe it. So the story played out the way it did. If Peter had humbly accepted what Jesus was saying and allowed his vision of Jesus to form as Jesus was communicating instead of casting Jesus in Peter’s image of the Christ and all he previously though of the Christ- he would have had a healthy view about what was to happen and would have lived out Jesus’ death and resurrection in faith. Instead we see his lack of faith all the way through. He didn’t believe Jesus. He didn’t understand how Jesus would raise from the dead. If he had believed Jesus, even if not at first, he would have gotten faith that Jesus would raise from the dead when he saw Jesus’ first prediction about being handed over to be crucified come true. As Jesus’ suffering began two things:
1. Peter was still in the old mindset in his assumptions around the Messiah, so when Jesus began to suffer, Peter began to doubt Jesus as the Christ instead of doubting his assumptions of the Christ not suffering and dying.
2. Peter should have remembered what Jesus said would happen and have peace knowing the rest of what was to come, the resurrection.

But God’s will be done as Jesus restored Peter after he’s out fishing because God’s plan of redemption and ultimate purpose for Peter could not be thwarted. Even if we are faithless He is faithful. The circumstances around Jesus’ death wouldn’t have changed but the pain and sorrow around Peter’s disobedience could have been avoided had he accepted Jesus’ word and lived in faith. How will I choose to learn from Peter’s example and live with a humble view, accepting God’s truth instead of believing whatever I want to believe and attempting to live out a life of faithlessness in my own strength?

I can have my cake and eat it too, but God doesn't want me to live for the icing

2008-09-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

3/25/08

Michael, longing for me, crying out to me, calling me your father and knowing that's who I am- knowing you're my son is half the journey to begin loving me as such- leaning on me and trusting me- I will fulfill my promises to you- but life is now, life doesn't start when I fulfill my promises. My promises are inevitable because of who I am, I am faithful. Life is now, I am your life- you will have no more life when I show myself faithful than you can have now with me, your life, believing I am faithful because your life doesn't come from my promises- your life comes from me- this is the joy you have now to enjoy me and patiently wait for the gifts I have promised you not feeling left out now because these are just icing on the cake you already have- some of the icing will make the cake taste better- too much of the icing will make you sick- because I am the cake and I am life- the icing is my blessings which aren't your source of life and if you treat them as such - you can plan on a major belly ache and lack of health- spiritually, emotionally and physically. You can have your cake and eat it too but just don't live for icing, you'll never be satisfied- love me, for I am good.

God's writing a book and He wants to tell me something

2007-08-18T21:13:00.001-07:00

So I hear His voice- and think God- what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? So I stop and listen. “Listen to me- hear my voice- you’ve read, you’ve done everything else- listen to what I have to say- spend time with me- get to know me and what I think.”

So I’ve turned back. Will I make it to work tonight? It doesn’t matter; I’m here to listen to the Lord, to hear my master speak. I am coming before my real boss guilty- pardoned; shamed- hopeful. Please Lord speak, your servant is listening.

I’ve turned the page in my book Michael. I see a clean white sheet; pure, with a good- no – a great idea I have. Do you know what idea it is Michael? It’s your life.

That’s how I view you. I see you as a great idea. It brings joy to my heart when I think about you; how much fun I’m going to have filling up all these blank pages with so many good things. And you know what? I’ve been thinking about just the right things to put down for a while now. I think I’ve pretty much got it all figured out.

Do you know what its missing Michael? It’s missing the main character. He’s busy writing a book of his own. It’s a sad book; somewhat depressing, not a whole lot of good in it. Some of it is rather disgusting. A lot of it is rather boring. In this book he’s writing- well, he’s trying to write. You see, he’s so busy working and just keeping busy; he hasn’t had much time to put any effort or thought into his book. He hasn’t spent nearly as much time as I have put into my book. I don’t have to finish reading his incomplete book to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I’m not going to find any pages that compare with just one paragraph in my book. It’s not pride- it’s the truth. It’s proven- a completed book trumps a half written scribbled unfinished rough draft of something someone never really thought he’d finish.

You know what I want? You know what would make my day? I want him to stop being so busy. I want him to stop worrying. I want him to join me as the main character in my book. Oh… that’s what I desire. Would you give him a message for me? Would you tell him something? Tell him, “Michael, God loves you, and He cares about you, and He wanted me to tell you- He specifically asked me to tell you- I love you- and I’m writing a book- and I want you to play the lead role in my book. It’s a wonderful story. Really, it is. It’s got action, adventure, and every page is filled with my love.

I am the author of life, and I want to pen you into this story- the story of your life- I want you to be active and alive in every page, so that I can bless you with every word I write. Won’t you let me? Won’t you come to me? Won’t you leave your unfinished rough draft and find adventure in my book? Won’t you come near me, to hear me whisper to you the next chapter? Won’t you stay close to me, to see how it all works out? Won’t you trust me, that I will write the good in it for you I have promised I’d write? Won’t you leave behind all the doubt and fear and worry and anxiety you’ve been writing about in your rough draft? Won’t you come to me so you can see what a true story of life is really all about?

Aww, Michael- I want to bless you- I want to take you in my arms and hold you in my lap. I want you to be here with me to help me write this book. It will be so much more interesting; have so much more excitement; so much more purpose- if it can be written with the main character.

Won’t you come? Won’t you be near me? Won’t you make time for me, just to hear my voice? To listen to me say, “Michael I have always loved you. Ever since I thought you up in the first place. You are my creation- you exist out of my purpose- you're no accident; so leave the rough draft behind. I’ll clean up the mess. Just come to me and I will make you holy. I will complete your story. I will fit you into the chapters of your life as the main character your supposed to be. I will give you meaning and purpose. I will tie the bow that completes your life. And I will be there at the end of the book to welcome you home- to be with me, where I am- where you began- forever.”

“Michael you are my son and my delight and I love you very much. Won’t you come? Be mine. I’ve given my life so we can be together. I’ve given all I have to write this story. There is an ending I’m hoping to write into it, and it’s a beautiful ending; a wonderful ending. And you know what? If you come- when you come- it will be my joy and delight to tell you this story has a sequel Michael- that’s more wonderful than the first. You won’t even be able to imagine just how wonderful it is. And you want to know the best part about this sequel? It doesn’t have an ending Michael. I’m going to start writing it with you- and I’m going to have so much fun writting it- I’m never going to stop. I promise. And a promise is a promise.

I’m waiting for you. I have my hands out- my arms stretched out wide- won’t you come? Please come. I love you.

Fade

2005-12-10T22:49:00.000-08:00

Breathe deep- savor the moment. Watch this time pass more slowly. Rich beauty in the fullness of the meaning. Grace in the storm of life. Fresh water springs in the heart of an ocean of salt. Fade to light. Where white covers itself, almost invisible but most certainly there. Free from doubts of mere coincidence. I exist because He does. I am not independent, but I am my own. When I am without, He is within. He is the whole, while I am only a slice. I am, because He is, and He wills me to be. With His thought He holds me, my existence. Safe is where I am, where He is. His words are my life, written on the pages he speaks into being. One day you will look for me and only find Him. This is my prayer, this is my hope. God of Glory, work within me- to bring out you. You are all, and so much more. In this moment, in this dim light, I breathe- deep. I watch this time pass more slowly, in awe of Your beauty. Hope lighting the darkness, Heartbeat of my heart, I fade into you.